Thought 1.
I am usually not very good with big changes. You give me a small change and I can roll with the punches. In fact, I can do all kinds of wonderful euphemisms as long as they are related to small amounts of change. I made a major change in my life slightly more than 2 years ago. Some might call it one of those turning points in my life. Well, that was a big change and that definitely took some readjustment time before I was comfortable in my own skin again.
This is another one of those turning points in life. I’ve gone back to school. I decided it was time to go back and finish what I had started. It sounds quite simple, but it’s hardly a simple change. In particular I am having issues with Advanced Stats. I am having these flash backs to freshman year when I took Cognitive Science. I had a great teacher, and blah blah blah, but some where in the middle of all of the Cog Sci she lost me. At it’s worst point I was so confused that I didn’t even know what I didn’t know. Think about that for a second. I didn’t even understand the things that I didn’t understand so it’s not like I could simply approach the professor and ask her about something because I was so confused I didn’t even know what to ask her about. Yeah, it was bad. Anyways, I meander, it’s still very early and I know I need to spend some quality time with my old stats book this weekend and kick my ass back into shape in regards to research design, research methods, and basic stats…but damn. What a hectic week of lostness this has been.
This is me not liking change.
Thought 2.
i am not usually a person who gets all that angry. i usually get frustrated, but then it passes and life moves on. That being said, you have managed to make me angry in a whole new kind of way. i am so pissed off with you that i really can’t even begin to put it in words. i feel betrayed, i feel let down, i feel hurt, i feel unwanted, i feel cheated, i feel suspicious, i feel given up on, but sadly enough i still _ _ _ _ you. Honestly, i think i wish i could say i didn’t at this point because of what you have done. You have managed to hurt me in all kinds of new ways that i have never felt before. i guess that is one of the advantages of being that person that fills the hole i never knew i had. You also get to be that person to rip out my heart like never before. thanks for that. i definitely won’t be loving anyone or even trusting anyone for a very long time. thanks for that too.
i know you might not like reading this (if you actually bother to read this which i somehow doubt), but it’s the truth and as you decided to remind me several times during that phone call “we’ve always been honest.†well here is honest, take it or leave it. wait, you already left it. i do find it a bit amusing that you say you’re apparently not ready for us to be friends. how in the fuck does that make any sense? you’re not ready to just be friends? why the fuck not? you’re the one who decided we weren’t anything more than that anyways. you were the one who decided you didn’t love me. and yet you say you’re not ready for us to just be friends. one would logically think that i would be the one letting you know when i was ready to be friends, but strangely enough you’ve decided to take that decision away from me as well. that is what i find amusing.
i know some where down the line this won’t hurt as much. i know this will be one of those learning experiences and all that other bullshit. right now though i am the most angry i have ever been with someone in my life. sadly, i don’t hate you. i can’t seem to hate you, honestly i don’t know why i can’t, but it won’t happen. so i guess we’ll see. either you’ll read this and decide you don’t need me as a friend neither, or you can realize you need to accept the consequences of what you have done, and then eventually whenever you feel like it we can give this friends thing a try again i guess.
Wandering the Interwebs 