Without you, Without me

I know you think I am taking the easy way out of this. If this is what the easy way feels like I cannot possibly imagine what the hard route would be like. I don’t think I could take the hard way if that is the case, I am far too weak I fear. I think I am over you, I very specifically say “I think” though. You are always going to be that one thing that is very uniquely different in my life.  I can’t lie, I do think about you often, I do miss you, I do wonder what you are doing in such a far off place. I hope you are not scared, not worried, not lonely, but simply I hope you are having fun and enjoying yourself as you deserve to. I am happy, or about as happy as I can be, with where my life is right now. Things seem a bit chaotic, a bit hectic, and a bit out of control, but when does it ever not?

Life is about finding a means of being at peace with the unpredictable nature that is only living.

You do not trust me. For good reason you can no longer take anything I say to you with even a grain of salt. However, if by some semblance of trust based on what we had, please believe that I never meant to hurt you. Any misfortune that I have caused you was not out of intentional spite. Regardless of my intentions or lack there of, I still hurt you quite possibly more than I can imagine. For this I base my decision to remain out of your life. This hurts. If you can believe that, this hurts probably more than anything I have ever endured. To go from being such a huge part of your life to being absolutely nothing, hurts. This is my pain. This is my choice because I feel like I deserve this pain, I deserve these feelings because I apparently do not know how not to hurt you. I wish I could continue to lie and say that we should be friends because I would never hurt you again. I say this would be a lie only because I am not aware of my actions towards you. Even if I do not specifically intent to hurt you, I do.

I don’t expect you to understand, especially considering that I still do not fully understand a lot of my actions. The best I can possibly hope for is that you forget about me. Having to say that hurts, but I think that would be the best for you. It’s ironic that I was worried about you going to Australia and creating distance between us. In reality I was the one to push us farther apart than any physical distance could have caused.

Things happen for a reason, or so I am told. There better be a damn good reason.